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Bone

January Competition

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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

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the wife just asked me what im doing on the computer , lookin for cheap flights i told her , oo she said and dragged me upstairs , the best sex weed had in years , what i cant understand is her sudden interest in darts

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2 girls sharon n tracey were complaining about havin a sore throat, sharon said when i have a sore throat i always give my husband a b job and swallow the next day its better. you should try it , next day sharon sees tracey " how did it go then ? brilliant says tracey , your husband couldnt believe it was your idea

Edited by Big-Al

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I've got my pet python for sale on eBay. A bloke rang the other day and asked how big it was. Massive I said. How many feet he said. It's a snake I said.

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parents are planning to enrol their son at a school and meet the headmaster, father introduces them, "i'm mr bates, this is my wife mrs bates and my son master bates" "oh does he" say the headmaster "we'll soon cure him of that"

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Just had an Aldi 4 bird roast. It's dead clever how they do it.

A chicken inside a duck inside a goose inside a horse.

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

 

"Over here on the swing!"

Edited by mwhyman

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A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under one arm.

 

"This is the pig i have to S**G when youv'e got a headache" he says.

 

His wife replies " I think you'll find thats a sheep ya stupid B*****d".

 

The farmer replies.

 

" I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep"

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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

 

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

 

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

 

"Those are for married men… One for January, one for February, one For March......."

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Last one - I promise......

 

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're £3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a pack for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the pack of condoms.
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.

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