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January Competition

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I was in hospital yesterday having a mole removed from my willy. The Dr said it went well but the RSPCA have said they will prosecute if it happens again.

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Just got this text message but I'm not sure if its a prank, it read.

Congratulations, you have won £250 worth of shopping vouchers or a night out at an Elvis tribute act.

To claim, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show??

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After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend Paddy drove to Brighton for a night of passion. As he pulled up at a red light on the outskirts of Brighton, he slid his hand under her skirt, above her stockings. She whispered to him, now we are engaged you can go further, with that Paddy drove on to Bournemouth.

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Two lions walking down Oxford St in London on a Saturday afternoon when one lion says to the other lion, it,s quiet down here today !!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by DARKIE

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I rang 999 because two girls were fighting over me, the operator asked "what is the emergency?" I said "the fat one is winning".

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A German was down at the beach watching the lifeguard attract all the women, so he saunters over and asks "why are the women so fond of you, what is your secret?"

So the lifeguard says, "it's easy, go down to the store, get a potatoe, stick it in your speedo's, the chicks will be all over you then."

The German hurries to get his potatoe, sticks it in his speedo's, stands around with nothing happening, so he goes back to the lifeguard and says "I did what you said, but no action."

So the life guard checks him out and then says "no man, put it in front."

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Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and pain relieving massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

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Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?

 

 

To see his Flat Mate.

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HE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
£1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?" ;

WOMAN: "£95,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
£980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably
Take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want it."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?

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