Jump to content
UK Birdkeepers Message Board
Sign in to follow this  
Bone

January Competition

Recommended Posts

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

:ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went for my annual check-up yesterday and had to suffer a finger up the bum.

I'm not too happy. . . . .in fact I might change dentists.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was hitch hiking the other night and it was thick fog and pitch black.

Along came a car going very slowly with the head lights on. I jumped into the passenger seat. ;)

To my horror there was no driver! . . . :(

I sat there quivering and as we came to a roundabout a pair of hands appeared at the wheel from nowhere!!! :o

The hands steered the car around the roundabout and then it stopped ten yards on.

Terrified, I jumped out of the car and ran. I saw a bloke 10 yards away leaning on a fence. I said 'STAY AWAY FROM THAT CAR THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT!!' :unsure:

He said 'I know, I've been pushing it for f**king miles!' :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mrs Jones takes Mr jones for his medical.

She waits in reception as the Doctor checks him over.

When he is done he asks Mr Jones 'How are you doing with your incontinence?'

Mr Jones says 'I'm fine. . . .god is looking after me'

Bemused the Doctor asks for an explaination.

Well says Mr Jones, when I get up in the night for a pee, god creates light for me . . . and when I'm finished, he takes away the light and brings me darkness.

 

The Doctor picks up the phone and explains to the receptionist. . . .Please tell Mrs Jones her husband is p*ssing in the fridge again!

Edited by tomtit

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

thats a cracker richard only one that made me laugh :D:D

 

 

Well thanks alot mate............... :P:P

 

 

 

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

 

 

:ph34r: Taxi for Trev :ph34r:

 

:P:P:P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mark its between you and richard up to now,but the greek paddy one is good you must admit....emmett.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×